A PLACE CALLED HOME | POST COVID LIFE
Back in April 2020, I left Delhi for home before the lockdown was announced. Thinking I would be back in a week or so, I had only packed for a few days, and only the most essential of items that I would actually need at home. Like many others, I too had underestimated the severity of the pandemic and thought that everything would come back to normal in just a few days or weeks at max. Not knowing that soon everything, instead of going back to normal was going to change.
Slowly time went by and my expectation and urge of returning to my space gradually started to increase. Since March of 2020 life had already been quite rough, and paying for a rental apartment for following months but not using it was only serving to be detrimental to my mental health. Despite all attempts to hold on to a place of comfort, things didn’t become easy. Not having a steady source of income or any future possibility to go back and work in Delhi (due to increasing number of COVID-19 cases) only added more psychological and financial pressure on me. The only option left was to let go.
But how do you let go? How do you leave a place that is so perfect and close to your idea of a home away from home? It is not easy after all to say good bye to a good friend.
My home in Delhi was just like a good friend or rather an extension of my own self. Like a bird that builds its nest slowly and meticulously, decorating we too, make it ours bit by bit. The only difference between a bird and a human is that birds out grown their nests, where as we humans, with time only make it more like “us”. This idea fascinates me. The idea of home, what is a home and what makes a house a home? In Alain De Botton’s book The Architecture of Happiness, there is a part that resonates with me, it is something like this:
“Our love of home is in turn an acknowledgement of the degree to with our identity is not self-determined. We need a home in the psychological sense as much as we need one in the physical: to compensate for a vulnerability. We need a refuge to shore up our states of mind, because so much of the world is opposed to our allegiances. We need our rooms to align us to desirable versions of ourselves and to keep alive the important, evanescent sides of us.”
While I was at home, I got a lot of time to think about my room in Delhi. It was not a grand place, nor it was perfect. But it was perfect for my taste and for my comfort. It had just the kind of light, just the kind of vibe to it, that I liked. I loved it so much that while returning to it, to finally vacate the place; I ended up making a short film, just to keep it in my memory.
Watch the documentary here: https://youtu.be/ZvkLnQW2V60
On 11th June 2020, I spent my last day at my rented apartment in New Delhi, absorbing in all the good memories I had created, all the joy it had given me, all the comfort and calm. It provided me with the kind of solitude I needed on days I felt low. An enwrapping hug, a pat on the head. It helped me to hold myself together when everything seemed to fall apart.
Last day in here was not easy, with the next sunrise, I left the room, empty and cold, probably never to return to it but forever thankful for all the good memories. There is just one regret though, I couldn’t have a last cup of coffee. Something which was a daily routine, this morning that too was left behind.
Note: My emotions and affection towards my room in Delhi has only made me realise the worth and the privilege of having a roof over my head during this pandemic. As I write recollecting my thoughts in another room in my home town, equally close to my heart, I am reminded of the fact that how much spaces mean to us and why it hurts to leave a place which you call your own.
Note: A lot of people made this home and my stay in Delhi memorable. Some who became closer to me during my stay, were lost in the battle against COVID-19. For some I am still concerned and wish for their good health and to everyone else (especially people in Delhi and other places affected by COVID) please take care and remember that, even though this disease is not fatal for most, some for whom it can be fatal can be among us…don’t take a chance. Consciously avoid risky behaviour and stay home as much as possible.
Originally published at https://www.sagarkapoor.com on June 18, 2020.
